Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Back to it.

I'm ready to get on with it.

Once I hit "publish" on my last post, I felt better almost immediately.  Somehow, for some reason, putting words to feelings helps me recognize those feelings for what they are.  Sometimes, if we don't take a minute to reality-check, feelings can come to seem all-encompassing.  It becomes tempting to identify as those feelings rather than as an observer of those feelings.  Writing helps me do the latter.  So I feel better.  In some ways, I feel more myself than I have more many months, and while I still miss the feeling of being caught up in that tangle of mess and chaos that dictated June and July, this equanimity is kind of nice, too.

This is what I'm intentionally making room for: eating regular, balanced meals (my appetite is back after a several month hiatus), reading at least an hour every day (Reading this.  My first Stephen King work.  On the fence.), re-learning how to cook things other than pasta with parm and nutmeg, tending my sorely neglected vegetable garden in the hopes I might still eke out a harvest before the freeze, seriously thinking about what I want to do and am willing to do for work (any ideas?), taking on long-procrastinated house projects, watching TV, *thinking* about building a regular exercise habit back up (where did that go?!).  I'm also searching out inspiration for the next big thing, though I'm not yet sure what that will be.  Right after the wedding (admitting this creeps frighteningly close to being too exposing), looking at previous inspiration sources (my favorite blogs, design books, Pinterest) made me feel too sad (that deep-in-your-bones-sad), so I avoided them.  I'm happy to report my totally out of control Pinterest habit is back in force.  While probably not entirely healthy, it is an indication that some cracks have opened in the all-encompassing grad school/wedding planning web to allow regular old lovely life to soak back in.  It's strange, because I feel like I'm meeting a lot of these old habits again for the first time.  As I spend a little more time with them, however, I remember why I loved them in the first place.

One thing I appreciate about getting older is the knowledge that I've been through lots of sad phases before and every single one has passed.  When I get into a funk now, I know if I keep doing the next indicated thing and plugging along, happiness--and even pure joy--comes back.  It just needs some time and space, almost as though you have to prove you can hang with the tough stuff before your next dose of happy.  I kind of feel like my new habits and knowledge is elbowing its way into my core, finding space there to co-exist with everything else--that process isn't always comfortable, but it is necessary.  It's just finding the new normal.  I'm pretty sure it's going to be great.

No comments:

Post a Comment